


nighttime reckoning

by A_Beautiful_Beast



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Tag: s02 e24 Tuvix, Gen, let janeway rest i'm begging you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 03:37:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20146996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Beautiful_Beast/pseuds/A_Beautiful_Beast
Summary: “Did I do the right thing?”Tuvok takes about three seconds too long to lean forward and put his cup down next to hers. “I do not know," he says.Just once, it’d be nice if he could lie to her.





	nighttime reckoning

**Author's Note:**

> this episode was fucked up. i don't even know where i stand on the "should she/should she not have" debate beyond that they obviously couldn't just turn tuvix into a main character and scrap tuvok and neelix.
> 
> and as much as i enjoyed the way and the note they ended on, i also really wanted some sort of resolution. this takes place basically right after the episode ends
> 
> finally, the american-english spellchecker can Choke

Janeway manages to wait until everyone except the night shift crew are asleep. It wouldn’t do to have gotten the hard part over with without a crack in her veneer only to spill vulnerability down the hallways in the evening, with everyone she passes glancing twice. On a ship this small and a journey this long, she doesn’t have that luxury, even with half the crew anticipating it anyway.

Tuvok answers the door a little too quickly to not have been expecting her, considering both the hour and his well-worn routines. She pretends not to notice and he pretends that this is a regular occurrence, not even offering an arched eyebrow at her appearance. He stands to the side of the doorway and she steps in gratefully, feeling a little tension leave her shoulders as the door slides shut behind her.

“Tea?” He asks, guiding her carefully to the couch when she doesn't move for a moment too long. She barely notices his hand on her elbow, but feels its absence when he crosses back to the replicator.

Janeway sinks down onto the cushions with a sigh. “Coffee, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Tuvok looks at her disapprovingly. It’s a look she’s considered getting patented. “Drinking significant amounts of caffeine would not be advisable at this time of night. Two Vulcan spice teas,” he says to the replicator. He carefully carries the mugs across the room and Janeway leans forward to take hers from his hand. She must look as awful as she feels if he’s feeling brave enough to deny her a cup of coffee.

She takes a long drink and lets the taste of the tea settle in, its warmth flooding her chest. As she leans back into the couch she lets her eyes slip closed for a moment, feeling a bit of looseness creep back into her muscles for the first time in weeks. Maybe, she amends, he just knows her well enough to tell the difference between a coffee visit and a tea visit.

The couch dips as Tuvok comes to sit next to her, his body turned just enough towards her to indicate he's waiting for her to say what they both know she came to discuss. He says nothing as they both sip at their tea, the elephant tucked firmly away in the corner of the room, snoozing away the seconds.

The ever-present loneliness seems to gnaw at her a little less with him around. While Tuvix was certainly easy to get along with, she’d begun to grieve the loss of their quiet, dependable friendship. She glances at Tuvok from the corner of her eye and feels some sort of emotion squeeze in her chest, unsure of what she would’ve done without him to have her back for the rest of their trip.

Janeway takes another moment to turn it all over in her head one last time and sips again at her tea, quietly thankful for Vulcan patience. Then, finally staring the elephant in the eye, she places her cup on the table and turns to face Tuvok. “Did I do the right thing?”

Tuvok takes about three seconds too long to lean forward and put his cup down next to hers. “I do not know," he says.

Just once, it’d be nice if he could lie to her.

“I doubt there was a ‘right thing’ to be done,” Tuvok continues. “You could not allow him to usurp our lives. If we continue with the idea that his life caused the deaths of Neelix and myself, and vice versa, then mathematically, the correct decision is the one you chose.

“However—“ There’s _always_ a however. Janeway almost smiles despite herself. “I do not believe the presumption that Neelix and I were effectively dead is a sound one. We were simply ... altered. Neither of us were destroyed or harmed in any real way. Similarly, from my perspective, Tuvix did not so much die as devolve. If neither myself nor Neelix were ever really dead and therefore there was no moral difficulty in letting Tuvix continue to exist as he was, it seems immoral to go against his express wishes and force him to undergo a process that, in his mind, was tantamount to death." Tuvok folds his hands together in his lap, looking thoughtful, as if he's still puzzling out his own opinion on it all. He's silent for a long moment until Janeway glances up to meet his eyes. "What was it that made up your mind?"

She huffs, leaning her elbows on her knees and her chin on her fists. "It ... was a lot of things. Having one essential crewmember to suddenly cover the work of two, for one. The adjustment process's impact on crew morale, for another. And if I'm being honest, I missed you both, though I tried not to let that affect my decision." She runs her hands over her face. "Kes ... I think Kes tipped the scales. Her telling me she wanted Neelix back made it feel a bit less like I was being selfish for even considering it."

"I see." Tuvok says. Then: “Did the separation process cause him any pain?”

“No,” Janeway answers reluctantly. She’s not sure she would’ve been able to do it otherwise.

“No. His ... separation was not accompanied by pain, and he does live on in a sense, through us. Kes is overjoyed to have Neelix back, as is everyone who cooked or ate in the mess hall while he was gone.”

She must look unconvinced, because Tuvok continues: “Following the human concept of utilitarianism, you have made the correct choice. Despite the difficulties in reversing the accident, I believe this outcome is the one that leads to maximum utility for all involved,” he twitches an eyebrow at her. “There are many other things I can say to try to convince you, but I think you’ve already made up your mind in deeming your actions wrong.”

Janeway rubs at her temple with a hand, staring blankly at the two cups of tea in front of them. “I killed a man, Tuvok. He told me over and over that he didn’t want to die, that undergoing the separation process would mean his _death_, and I had him escorted to his deathbed and pulled the trigger. That isn’t something I can rationalise and forget.” A swirl of steam curls into the air from her mug and she exhales a little sharper than necessary, blowing it away.

“There is a difference between rationalising and forgetting, and coming to terms with the reality that you were, to use a Standard idiom, ‘caught between a rock and a hard place’. Sometimes,” he says, leaning a little closer. “There is no easy answer. There are only the consequences of your actions and learning to live with them.”

She wants to argue. The thing that’s been coiled tightly around her chest for the last few hours wants her to argue. Somebody needs to punish her on Tuvix’s behalf, before she goes crazy from the stunned silence and quiet relief sweeping around the ship. Tuvok will not give her the chastising she wants to hear, though. Maybe it’s for the best.

Janeway picks up the cup in two hands, cradling it with a little too much care as she sips. It tastes sharp and not at all like penance, but drinking it seems to have a soothing effect on her bruised conscience nonetheless. He's right, in a sense, that there's no use crying over spilled milk, but the weight of it is starting to feel like something she won't be able to put down for a long time.

“Are you sure nobody on this ship is a qualified counsellor?” She asks eventually, feeling the edges of her bad mood start to dissipate.

“Unfortunately, no. Although I’m sure if you were to visit your morale officer, at least one of you would benefit greatly from the experience, though I cannot say which.”

Janeway’s smile, when it comes, doesn’t feel forced. She takes a breath and gathers herself together, settling back into her own skin. Her world seems to balance a little more neatly on its axis again. “It’s been a while since you’ve given me a security briefing,” she says, her tone a little more firm, a little more like herself.

Tuvok raises an eyebrow, but like any good friend should, plays along. “I have drills scheduled for all of security to take place within the next two days. We will be assessing our readiness in case of a boarding situation and our tactics in the case the boarders take hostages, with an emphasis on protecting the ship's essential systems ...”

Janeway leans back into the couch and listens, the length of the day catching up and instilling a weariness in her bones that’s become something all too familiar in recent months. Tuvok’s steady voice is calming and she finds herself drifting, mind wandering off to the window to think about the stars outside, about how many of them separate her and home.

Sometime between that moment and the next she must drift off, because it’s dark in the room when she wakes, her neck aching because her head has apparently ended up substituting Tuvok’s shoulder for a pillow. Seemingly unbothered, he’s slowly scrolling through a dimly-lit PADD that her sleep-blurry eyes can't quite read. She shifts to lessen the pain in her neck, and feels Tuvok’s head turn as he glances at her.

“Captain,” he murmurs quietly. “It is not advisable for you to continue sleeping in this position.”

“Mhm,” she replies, leaning a little more heavily against him. “I’ll get ... right ... on ... that,” she mumbles with absolutely no intention of doing so, closing her eyes again and adjusting until she’s comfortable, tucking her legs up on the couch.

Tuvok’s indulgent sigh is the last thing she hears before she dozes off. 

**Author's Note:**

> name a more iconic duo than me and writing characters falling asleep on one another in order to demonstrate vulnerability and closeness


End file.
